http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7dP7dhzwpg

:)

jo, i know my naked photoshopped self is distracting, but we need to get back to business here!

you made a good point about benji and lacey. they are cute kids, but let's start calling a spade a spade. or an evil usurper, as the case may be.

ooooh there are clearly deficiencies in the current state of reality-tv-dance-programs-incorporating-partnered-acts.... not surprising, considering their creators cannot possibly be up to date on current dance competition trends.

i'm speaking, of course, of the irrational focus on "dance ability", this ill-defined, subjective concept that seems to account for almost all of the evaluation criteria in these programs. we need to shift the focus from "ability" to more tangible, cutting-edge, state-of-the-art metrics.

for instance, skirt length. easily measured, using several different metrics (centimeters, inches, social decency, draftiness, etc.) but have we ever seen a competitor win a competition based on skirt length? nooooo. it's always things like "clean lines" or "degree of difficulty".

exactly!

and don't forget, the ultimate postmodern metric, envelope-pushing.

how far? how fast? how big is the envelope? downhill, or up?

oh definitely, the expert.

off the top of my head, some metrics for selecting judges:

-age -amount of chest hair -colorblind or not? -number of dance-related injuries sustained -preferred shoe color (white, obviously) -ability to raise one eyebrow while simultaneously writing -fluency -upper-arm strength

and we'll need criteria for selecting contestants, too.

it makes for a poignant and socially incisive "audition" episode, if we can get in many of the country's top competitors and build their hopes up, only to crush them when we expose their intense inadequacy when evaluated on our criteria!

That should be pretty easy...

First round knock-outs:

Peter Strom-- too much rhythm, not enough miming Frida Segerdahl-- not enough sequins Max Pitruzzella-- needs tighter pants Mikey Faltesek-- only if you make out with lucy. or zombie lucy, your pick.

Which brings me to my next point. I think partner dances are too simple. This is the twenty-first century people! The age of threesomes. Teams, even.

Let's pit Silver Shadows against 23 Skidoo in a battle of the shiny shirts. I'd like to see who can show the most underwear in the shortest amount of time.

but just dancing isn't enough to titillate the sophisticated tastes of the american public.

i think we're going to need death matches.

seguin vs frida. weapon: spastic twitch.

jordan frisbee vs simon selman. weapon: sideburns

doug vs sarah. weapon: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5hhZchymXM">invisible baby</a>

and for the semis, we can have doug vs. ben.

cause <a href="http://www.lucydunne.com/ireland/sprjews1.jpg">boy</a> on <a href="http://www.lucydunne.com/ireland/sprjews2.jpg">boy</a> is always funny....

except when it's <a href="http://www.tosomock.com/uploaded_images/brokeback-719976.jpg">hot</a>.

They totally stole that off me. I made that up in my mother's womb.